As a trauma therapist, I support others in their journey and offer additional perspectives and tools along the way. Recently, I’ve been struggling as I am healing trauma of my own.
I hold trauma in my body. It was almost 7 years ago that my body collapsed under the heaviness of all that it was holding, unable to keep going. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
It took me a lot time to even acknowledge or admit that I had trauma… and even some anxiety. It felt… fraudulent. Inauthentic. I mean, how can I help others when I am struggling myself? And I am supposed to be the “expert” on trauma.
I cannot even explain the shift that I had to make mentally to bring me to a place that I can accept where I am at and work on my own healing journey. Little did I know what the year would bring…
I am always researching and found another amazing tool to add into my toolbox to support my healing. I chose to take a slower pace and attempted to re-prioritize many things in my life. Had I not slowed down, I would have likely missed the beauty of the transition.
I am not the same person I was just a few years back- or even from a year ago. I am growing and evolving and unearthing some very hard truths about where I have been mentally and emotionally and I am working on healing all the pieces.
During the past few months, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions as my body is releasing the pains held for so long. I’m mentally accepting the traumas I’ve endured, both the known and even in uncovering the unknown. Learning how truths I accepted were not what I knew. Waking in the middle of the night in tears because my nervous system was going haywire, having new realizations, connections and memories, and learning how to release the emotions stored deep in my being on all levels. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
I have finally felt safe enough to start to release all that I’ve carried and relearn those truths I held on to. Accepting myself in all the brokenness and shame, struggles and heartbreak. The journey has been challenging: Many night of little to no sleep (literally 1-4 hours on more nights I can count), random moments of bursting into tears, flashbacks and hard memories, and relearning what I thought I knew.
I also realized how numb I have been. My emotions have been dull. I’ve been hiding behind a barrier that I thought was protecting me, but it was, in fact, isolating me.
A new tool I found early 2022 was a supplement that targets emotions and supports the Gut-Bran axis. As a researcher, I had to learn more about how these products work and saw how impactful they were in supporting other people in their emotional and physical journeys. After all, emotions starts in the gut. The changes I have seen are amazing, and I never thought I could be in this space of feeling my feelings more fully.
Increasing serotonin and dopamine production, and balancing hormones are what support our feelings of happiness, excitement, motivation, stress regulation, focus and more. I believe that the increase of healthy gut support and hormones have put my body into a healthier space that allows me to better process my trauma without the added stresses.
Back in October 2021, I had my story published in a book collaboration. It was difficult to tell my story, and during the writing phase, I started to recognize the emotions that were laying dormant. I did not realize how these emotions were riddled with pain, but also with purpose.
Sharing my story was the first step in opening the door to healing and reconstructing. The process has been challenging and the person I have been is being stripped away so my true core can be uncovered. A person of strength and compassion, not just for others but for myself. I look forward to the transformation that lays ahead….
There will be more to come… stay tuned.
